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Are you beach body ready?

But y'are, Blanche!
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Borrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnng.

Borrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnng.

This one of Zac Efron in tight pants from behind at least doesn’t have a… what are we calling this? ‘Cuddly toy’ obscuring the fun.

Borrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnng.

 

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The only episode of Mrs. Brown’s Boys we’ve ever liked. J’adored, in fact.

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Introducing Susan-Anne White, the woman who makes boxes of hair look sane enough to captain a 747

Are those eyes?

Meet Susan-Anne, so good they named her twice. She’s not afraid of colour, though she is afraid of make-up.

She also, perhaps unsurprisingly, thinks Jesus wants her for a sunbeam. Jesus was unavailable for comment on the subject of his desire for her to join the prestigious sunbeam group though a representative did say, ‘You must be fucking joking! She’s mental. And doesn’t quite have the look we’re going for…’

Anyways, Susan-Anne, Su-Annie to her friend, is standing for election in N’Aarland (that’s Northern Ireland to our non-British constituents) and she is ready to be the broom that sweeps clean. Well, she has the hair for it.

Below are her pledges to would-be voters… The one we’re most surprised by is ‘Oppose the LGBT agenda…’ Oh, we got one of those for Christmas. Handy for making sure we don’t miss any of those important LGBT events. It’s by Letts! We digress… ‘Oppose the LGBT agenda, while showing compassion to those who struggle with gender confusion.’ So we’re beating and hanging everyone else but are showing compassion to those who struggle with gender confusion. So tastefully put. Do we think Su-Annie has something he/she wants to tell us?

Here are a couple then you’ll have to jump the jump…

• Close Marie Stopes Abortion clinic
• Oppose the extension of the 1967 Abortion Act to Northern Ireland
• Remove state-sponsored amoral sex education from schools
• Restore corporal punishment to schools
• Uphold parental rights to discipline children, including the right to smack
• Raise the age of consent to 18
• Make it an offense for doctors to give contraceptives to underage children
• Oppose the LGBT agenda, while showing compassion to those who struggle with gender confusion (more…)

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Selfie du jour

 
 

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As Tina off-of Corrie, with her French tips and her biscuit tan, becomes Sexiest Woman in the World, let us tell you how those magazine polls work…

So the most beauteous!

When we met Tina ‘Michelle Keegan-Wright’ Off-Of Corrie back in her early days on The Street (as against ‘on the streets’), she was a pretty girl. That’s it. Pretty. Quite nice. Not too bright. Wearing a Juicy Couture tracksuit, if memory serves.

Now that she’s left The Street, has been in a TV show that no one watched and has her own range of tart costumes with Lipsy, she has been voted *checks notes* FHM’s Sexiest Woman in the World by *checks notes* FHM, which apparently is still available in shops for ready money. Even more than that, she has beaten Kendall Jenner, who no one even knows who that is, into second place. Poor *checks notes* Kendall Jenner. There goes her Lipsy collection!

Anyways, in case you were thinking that somehow Tina McIntyre nee Michelle Lipsy was scientifically the most beauteous ladygirl in the world, we thought we’d let you know how these things work (even though, to give her credit, she is prepared to wear a cheap jersey dress – maybe by Lipsy – undone to the knicker line and flash a navel ring – what is this, 1994? – so she’s put the work in).

First of all, those magazine get specialists in. Yes, there are specialists in how to compile lists of Sexiest [enter category here] in the World. Those specialists specialise in knowing exactly how to milk maximum publicity for magazines like that one up there with three letters in it. First up, who is The Daily Cunt most likely to run on Page 3? This one here. Especially as it gives them the opportunity to direct their overweight middle-aged readers to places where they can actually buy outfits like that one up there. Which is nice for all of us on a beach this summer.

Then they will choose a Loose Woman or a Lorraine or someone on a red sofa early in the morning so they can give it a big old plug. Then they’ll choose a politician, someone who shouldn’t be hot and actually isn’t but who they can pretend is so that The Telegraph will mention it. Let’s say Theresa May, who looks not so much like the back of a bus but like she’s been dragged along from the back of a bus. Anyway, you can imagine the rest.

We haven’t read this latest list because we’re busy people, but we know what we’re talking about. We’ve been in those meetings with the specialists.

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And in today’s sports news…

 

Wrestling. Close contact. 

And that concludes today’s sports news… 

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It’s not often we have to reprimand Sandra Bernhard, but on this occasion…

Here she is, our lovely Sandy, sitting chatting it up with Wendy Williams. No, us neither. The subject of Madonna’s kiss with Drake comes up – as it would, what with Sandy having once been tight with OGL. Sandy, she no likee. She thinks that Madonna is an attention junkie. Erm, ‘dur’, as the children once used to say.

But we have no beef with Madonna taking a chunk out of Drake. Men like Drake have abused women live on stage since time immemorial, so take your medicine. And the way he was trying to caress her head seemed to contradict the rather bad-mannered mouth wiping that followed (she obviously wasn’t going to have him mess with her hair, mind, and promptly removed it).

We would have thought Miss Sandra would approve of Madonna’s gender-flipping ways. Besides, what’s wrong with a woman in her 50s (especially one who looks like this) tashing on with a man half her age? As Madonna herself said very eloquently in Rolling Stone magazine, ‘Women my age have accepted they’re not allowed to behave a certain way. I never followed rules. I’m not going to start now.’

Which is why she shall remain forever Our Glorious Leader.

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