As Tina off-of Corrie, with her French tips and her biscuit tan, becomes Sexiest Woman in the World, let us tell you how those magazine polls work…

So the most beauteous!

When we met Tina ‘Michelle Keegan-Wright’ Off-Of Corrie back in her early days on The Street (as against ‘on the streets’), she was a pretty girl. That’s it. Pretty. Quite nice. Not too bright. Wearing a Juicy Couture tracksuit, if memory serves.

Now that she’s left The Street, has been in a TV show that no one watched and has her own range of tart costumes with Lipsy, she has been voted *checks notes* FHM’s Sexiest Woman in the World by *checks notes* FHM, which apparently is still available in shops for ready money. Even more than that, she has beaten Kendall Jenner, who no one even knows who that is, into second place. Poor *checks notes* Kendall Jenner. There goes her Lipsy collection!

Anyways, in case you were thinking that somehow Tina McIntyre nee Michelle Lipsy was scientifically the most beauteous ladygirl in the world, we thought we’d let you know how these things work (even though, to give her credit, she is prepared to wear a cheap jersey dress – maybe by Lipsy – undone to the knicker line and flash a navel ring – what is this, 1994? – so she’s put the work in).

First of all, those magazine get specialists in. Yes, there are specialists in how to compile lists of Sexiest [enter category here] in the World. Those specialists specialise in knowing exactly how to milk maximum publicity for magazines like that one up there with three letters in it. First up, who is The Daily Cunt most likely to run on Page 3? This one here. Especially as it gives them the opportunity to direct their overweight middle-aged readers to places where they can actually buy outfits like that one up there. Which is nice for all of us on a beach this summer.

Then they will choose a Loose Woman or a Lorraine or someone on a red sofa early in the morning so they can give it a big old plug. Then they’ll choose a politician, someone who shouldn’t be hot and actually isn’t but who they can pretend is so that The Telegraph will mention it. Let’s say Theresa May, who looks not so much like the back of a bus but like she’s been dragged along from the back of a bus. Anyway, you can imagine the rest.

We haven’t read this latest list because we’re busy people, but we know what we’re talking about. We’ve been in those meetings with the specialists.

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