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And in today’s breaking 2016 Calendar news… those naked Warwick Rowers!

Warwick, for our foreign/geography-challenged friends, is a town. Somewhere.

The Warwick Rowers are *checks notes* rowers who *checks* row for the university of said town, Warwick University. You can’t make this shit up!

It’s a posh university full of rich white people. Hence the rowing thing, which is a sport for rich white people.

And some of them like to get their lycras off in the name of LGBTABCaseasyas123 rights, for which we salute them. In all the ways you’re thinking.

Oh, and after the break are some racy-steamy pictures, and here’s the link for buying the thing. And if you don’t buy it, those poor children won’t get anything!

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Russell Tovey’s penis

Russell Tovey's penis

It’s inside of a… what are we calling this? Shorts? Smock? But it’s a penis all the same, it looks fairly meaty, and he’s holding this decade’s gay cliché so it’s all swings, roundabouts and terrible plants on top of fridge-freezers, really.

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Kanye West: ‘I got discriminated in fashion for not being gay.’

Kanye West: 'I got discriminated in fashion for not being gay.'

Someone’ll buy it.

And now, in the time-honoured tradition of context, here’s that headline in, er, context.

‘I feel like I got discriminated in fashion for not being gay. In music, you definitely get discriminated if you are gay. It takes amazing talents* to break down barriers.’

Kanye West, who needs to learn to conjugate his verbs, is here seen praying in camo’. Which is so this season even Kanye West is wearing it.

*Or not, in the case of Sam ‘when will the lambs stop screaming?’ Smith. He’s no Liberace!

 

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Oh look, Gloria Hunniford has a Christmas album out!

More airbrush! Now!

No, silly, it’s the person who used to be Kylie until she replaced her whole face and body with skin stolen from five-year-old Brazilian children. And SHE has a Christmas album out, because there’s never enough money to be made off gullible gays for whom she has done *checks entire history of Kylie Minogue’s career* nope, can’t find anything here.

The highlight of said album? A cover of Yazoo’s brilliant ‘Only You’ with… wait for it… James Corden. Which is cunt times cunt, if ever we heard it. Or cunt squared.

There will also be a concert at the Royal Albert Hall, merchandise and a hat going round…

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The only bit of Michael Fassbender’s Macbeth worth seeing.

The only bit of Michael Fassbender's Macbeth worth seeing.

This weekend – the one just gone – we, not the royal kind, decided to go and see London’s glittering Macbeth at a Curzon cinema near you. There’s nothing we like more than supporting independent picture houses, after all, even if  we didn’t get fingered through the salty popcorn. (Don’t be silly, we only do sweet!)

Even walking down the stairs into the subterranean screening rooms – which is industry speak for ‘rooms with screens’ – we thought, ‘Shakespeare? What the fuck are we thinking?’ And next time, ladies and germs, we should listen to our thoughts-on-stairs.

It was, without question – and you’re talking to someone who’s sat through that Ingmar Bergman Seventh Seal nonsense based on a French and Saunders sketch – the most boring pile of shite we’ve seen in a long time. And we know long!

Unintelligible unless you know Macbeth like the veins on your penis – and you’re talking to someone who has a masters in English Literature from one of the fancier universities, where we mostly studied veins on penises – with protagonists you really don’t give a flying rat’s bottom about and a suicide scene that even the lovely Marion Cotillard can’t render interesting (soz for any spoilers but you surely know that about Macbeth? Even if the veins on your penis are particularly diverting), it is probably the dreariest moving picture you’ll see this year, apart from the one with that bird off Game of Thrones who keeps falling over when she’s cruising the crimson wave. Or whatever it was that was happening. We were too busy getting fingered through our salty nachos.

Oh, and please don’t get us started on Trainwreck.

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Lady Gaga sings Chic for Tom Ford

And we don’t even mind the clothes!

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