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Talking of cunts…


Talking of cunts...

Do these people go to Cunt School? Is it like the BRIT School, only for people whose egos outstrip their mediocrity to such a degree that they make Paddy ‘No likey, no lighty!’ McGuinness look like W. H. Auden (the anxious years!)?

And seriously, #hun, we’re sure that 1912 was scribbled on that *shudders* leg in a moment of #crazy with Rita Ora or some other fame whorey moron in a glittering London hotel room from 11.33 till 11.37pm, right before Rita was whisked off to flog the shit out of a car or a Toblerone or something, but do keep it to yourself.

ps. We’re pretty sure that’s not what Burberry had in mind with that jacket, ‘Grimmers’.

 

 

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Fancy watching this man get wanked to death? IN A CABIN?

Fancy watching this man get wanked to death? IN A CABIN?

Sod Carol, this is the film of the year. Hands down. *pats hair*

ps. And if you’re unlucky enough to get either Myleene Fucking Klass smirking like a cunt as she plays her fucking ol’ Joanna while some middle-class wanker of a kid opens gift-wrapped Christmas bollocks, or some bird dolled up like that drippy Audrey fucking Hepburn sucking on a delicious Galaxy chocolate bar in pissing Portofino while flirting with some wanker who looks like a rapey Big off-of Sex and the City, as your pre-video advert then, well, good luck to you.

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Say *checks notes* ‘Hello’ to Adele’s bodyguard.

Say *checks notes* 'Hello' to Adele's bodyguard. Say *checks notes* 'Hello' to Adele's bodyguard.

See what we did there? You’d be paid a fucking fortune at Buzzfeed for coming up with that.

Anyway, this is Adele’s bodyguard, who has thighs you could crack penises with, a face that could launch a thousand ejaculations, and a hairline that looks drawn on with a Biro.

Oh and yes, we hear he’s also Lady Gaga’s bodyguard, which must be lovely or something.

 

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Not sure who this chap is, but here he is in a patterned Speedo.


Not sure who this chap is, but here he is in a patterned Speedo.

Austin Armacost, apparently. And that penis is totally hypnotic, apparently.

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It’s a theme park for crazies!

Biblical Theme Park

Once upon never, some mister-sister in longline chiffon built an ark in order to save all the animals in all the world from a flood. You really can make this shit up!

Over in Crazyville, USA – or Kentucky, as these people are calling it – a group of right wing creationist nut jobs are building a theme park to celebrate their favourite bedtime tome, the bible. Because you sure as Hell (remind us where that is again?) can’t build a museum.

Ark Encounter (it’s no Space Mountain!) is located just down the road-to-cuckoo from the Creation Museum, all the work of Answers in Genesis, a Christian fundamentalist (emphasis on the mental) organisation that should have tried harder in school.

‘The ark is based on the dimensions recorded in the Bible and was designed in accordance with sound, established nautical engineering practices of the biblical era,’ said Answers in Genesis while, in the background, Chicken Licken nibbled a humble salad.

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Dan Osborne (does anyone still care) has released his 2016 calendar (does anyone still care?) and February is where you’ll find the VPL.

Dan Osborne (does anyone still care) has released his 2015 calendar (does anyone still care?) and February is where you'll find the VPL.

Nice to see his shoulder homage to Eartha Kitt. She was truly one of the greats.

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It’s a wonderful life at Sainsberries this Christmas. And we’re not even getting paid to say that!

This shits all over all the other Christmas adverts. Not only ’cause it features a cat rather than some fucking kid with a glossy pyjama, but because you can bear to watch it more than once without ripping out that vein on your head and garrotting Kylie Minogue with it. Don’t really know what Kylie has to do with anything, but we thought she might feel left out.

And Rita Ora didn’t even get a look-in!

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Kylie and James Cordon duet in ‘not absolotely shit’ shocker!

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