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Er, why no loin cloth?


Alexander Skarsgard as Tarzan
Welcome to London’s glittering new Tarzan, as played by Alexander Skarsgård, now sporting a stomach you can bounce penises off and hair that’s just ready to go.

We didn’t know there was a new Tarzan in the works, but then we only found out what ‘Netflix and chill’ meant approximately ten days ago, since which time we’ve barely turned left.

And below, just there, you’ll find the trailer. It looks quite exciting, if a bit silly. And we fucking hate monkeys, but we also fucking hate Lulu and that’s never stopped us enjoying a glass of champagne.

ps. We’re slipping off our designer-imposter Jane.

 

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Paloma Faith wishes she had this range…

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It all looks like bollocks so it must be worth something.

And if you watch this trailer you don’t even have to bother with the film!

And is that Xena: Warrior Princess popping up at the end? Is the colon even appropriate in this setting?

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And in today’s breaking sports news…

 

And in today's breaking sports news...

Adam Lallana. Lalla. Na. Lallallallana. Lalla. Na.

And that concludes today’s breaking sports news.

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Fancy some Kurt Russell VPL?

Fancy some Kurt Russell VPL?

That little bit of black sleeve to Kurt’s right is London’s glittering Goldie Hawn. It’s this kind of showbiz insight that leaves our rivals quaking in their designer-imposter sandals.

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We know some of you people like this sort of thing…

It’s no Supergirl!

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