In our new series called Retro Madness - which we will update at least sporadically; sometimes even more sporadically than that - we will be revisiting moments from entertainments gone by in which the turn was an absolute fucking nutter.

Without Tyra Banks, none of this would have been possible.

This is Tranny Banks way back in *checks* back then, on her show which is *checks* utterly compelling bollocks, during which she reveals her *checks (blogs are hard)*, and we quote, ’BIGGEST BEAUTY SECRET EV. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.’ Which she clearly hadn’t been using that day.

By her behaviour - the result of madness, believing the hype, mainlining Berocca and being American - you would be forgiven for thinking her ‘BIGGEST BEAUTY SECRET EV. ERRRRRRRRRRRR’ is the penicillium fungus. Or the cure for AIDS. Or the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or a new head.

It is in fact Vaseline.

At one point Tranny’s on the floor writhing around in a fashion that reminds us of the time a work colleague had an epileptic fit and none of us knew where to look.

Then there’s the reaction from the audience. To their credit a couple look rather uncomfortable - husbands at a Take That concert/gay with a ball flying at its face (ball, not balls)/us after our then lover accidentally overheard us telling a friend ’he doesn’t really do it for us’, that sort of thing - but to their shame most are jumping and screaming a la the Tom Cruise School of Unreasonable Behaviour. Some of them even hug one another.

It is all thoroughly enjoyable, at a distance. 

One can only imagine Tranny having an orgasm. Continues…