Celebrity Interviews

Oh look what we just found while doing the ironing…! It’s only our interview with Adele, who some of you may have heard of.

Here it is in its cut ‘n’ paste entirety. It’s like bloody Time Team round ‘ere…


Oh look what we just found while doing the ironing...! It's only our interview with Adele, who you may have heard of.

Self-confessed ‘gobby cow’ and all-round good girl, Adele (no need for a surname, in manner of Madonna and Jordan and Boris Johnson aka ‘Cunt’) sat down with us for a bit of a q and a sesh. And don’t worry, she answered your quizzlesticks properly – she’s not bovvered by anyfing, innit?

How are they coping with you not being a size zero in America? We all know what they’re like… Bernard
Not at all actually. I think that the whole world is obsessed with what you look like because of Hollywood, but three quarters of America are overweight. I ain’t got time to go to the gym. I don’t want to eat a salad without Caesar sauce. I was reading that thing about Fern Britton. I mean I love Fern Britton, she’s my favourite. I don’t know whether it’s true or not but I read all these headlines about ‘I’d rather be big and happy rather than having to try and lose weight all the time’, but no, they haven’t. Most journalists in the US are, unless you’re doing something serious, real girls or real gays so they just love you anyway, it doesn’t matter what you look like. They’re really fun.
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This is Winston McKenzie of the UK Independence Party, and his bonnet. He is our Cunt o’ the Day. And not just because of his dress sense.

 

Winston McKenzie is the UK Independence Party’s candidate for Croydon North. He is also a former X Factor contestant, but don’t hold that against him.

Do, however, hold his homophobic craziness against him. Because, ladies, gents and undecided, he is a homophobe of the highest order. The crazy bit comes with the territory.

When asked by the Croydon Advertiser about gay couples adopting children, this is what he said:

‘If you couldn’t look after your child and you had to put them up for adoption would you honestly want your child to be adopted by a gay couple?’

We’re not social service-y or anything but we’re guessing if you’re not fit to be parents, you’re not really in a position to dictate by whom your child is adopted… heterosexual, homosexual, green, whatever.

‘Would you seriously want that or a heterosexual family?’ continued Winnie, whose own parents clearly didn’t teach him the waistcoat rule. If only they were gay! ‘Which would be more healthy for the child?’

We’re guessing parents who aren’t cunts would be a nice start.

‘A caring loving home is a heterosexual or single family,’ the strange man continued. Which is odd because when we last checked the Mo’ Manual it made no reference to gay people being incapable of love.

‘There are people out there who bring up their kids encouraging them to believe they are gay themselves.’

He’s obviously never met our mother.

‘If a child is properly heterosexual and they are put in foster homes without any thought or consideration of who they are or what their identity is, that’s not right.’

Winston’s on FIRE!

‘A child might be vehemently against being housed with a gay couple but you wouldn’t know until they are older.’

Much like racists don’t know they’re racists until they’re old enough to know they’re racist.

Oh but Winston isn’t all bad!

‘If there’s no alternative then maybe. If it’s a case of being adopted by a gay couple or deportation then what can you do? But if you ask me, I’m not for heterosexual children being adopted by gay couples.’

*makes a note of that*

Yet, in spite of the overwhelming evidence, Winston McKenzie, former X Factor contestant, horrific dresser and homophobic cunt, doesn’t hate gays.

‘I’ve nothing against gays. I wouldn’t attack a man or a woman because of their sexuality.’

Why thank you, Winnie.

‘They have fought very hard for the rights I have seen come to the fore, and that says a lot for some of them.’

Only some, mind.

 

 

 

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We find ourselves drawn to this picture.


Men in singlets

It’s a mystery why. Or, if you’re Toyah Wilcox, it’s a mythhhtery why. That woman’s got a hell of a lot of mileage out of one clunky song and a speech impediment.

*moves to Cleveland; moves right back, it’s a bit shit there*

 

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‘I was in Heartbeat for 18 years so she can take hers off’

If anyone is a little schtumped at this moment, it’s the one on your right who was in Heartbeat. The televisual equivalent of drowning in a bath, and not one pepped up with a fizzing Lush bath bomb either. She was also on Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes once, under the impression she sings like Lisa Stansfield. She is called Tricia Penrose, and that dress is the sartorial equivalent of squeezing a zeppelin into a condom.

The one on your left is Amy Childs. She just loves to pout. She’s a pouter. She only wears this when she doesn’t care how she looks, and we interviewed her once and found her to be dumb as fuck.

*ends*

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