This, ladies and gentlemen, is the face of a cunt.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the face of a cunt.

Oh, wait, it’s the selfie of a cunt! One of 179,378,493 that appear in Selfish, a book Kim Kardashian her very selfie describes as ‘another opportunity to make money out of morons’. But don’t quote us on that.

In the bumf, her publisher, Rizzoli, claims Kim is ‘hailed by many (including Givenchy designer Riccardo Tisci) as the modern-day personification of Marilyn Monroe’. Only without the looks, charisma, talent and likeability. So nothing fucking like Marilyn Monroe.

Costing $19.95 – a guinea or two – the environmental impact alone of pulping an area the size of that pissing arse of hers for this self-aggrandising hardbound conveyor belt of validation requests is thought to have pushed us into an early-onset ice-age.


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‘I want pictures of sad but beautiful children, happy gay couples, slogans like “World Health”, “No Pollution”, “Fashion Cares”!’

'I want pictures of sad but beautiful children, happy gay couples, slogans like "World Health", "No Pollution", "Fashion Cares".

Look at these gays, with their hair only money can buy and clothes only Banana Republic would put their name to. The poster boys of Chelsea, when they’re not hob-nobbing with the hob-nobs over at the Gladstone, they’re filling their Lalique vases with wildflowers fresh from the High Line. They are the perfect New York gay couple, content, monogamous, lightly scented, so it’s only natural they would choose their wedding rings – sorry, bands – from Tiffany. They’re currently getting them engraved with romantic apothegms inspired by Emily Dickinson, who just pipped William Cullen Bryant at the post. Kelly Ripa will give them away, Anderson Cooper will toast, and the cake will be an homage to whichever catastrophe is hot right now.

The Kooples couldn’t even get a look-in.



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Jennifer Saunders has written the Ab Fab film. Now she’s just got to film it. Baby Bunting steps!

Jennifer Saunders has written the Ab Fab film. Now she's just got to film it. Baby Bunting steps!

London’s glittering Jennifer Saunders, off-of either side of Dawn French, has finally written the buggery bollocky script for the Absolutely Fabulous film she’s been promising us since 1973.

In an exclusive chat with us *curtseys* Jennifer said she’d call the film ‘Champagne for Lulu’, so she’s gone and called it ‘Edina and Patsy’ instead. Our title was, it’s true, recherché.

‘I’ve finished the first draft. I’m feeling euphoric,’ she told a newspaper you really wouldn’t wipe your rat’s lily-white ass with.

‘My proper New Year’s resolution is to do the film, otherwise it’ll be a pointless year of procrastination.’


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Homophobe now in charge of stamping out homophobia. How’s that work then?


Meet madam here. Her name is Nicky Morgan and she is the new Michael Gove. Hooray, you say. No.

You see, while Michael Gove – person in charge of education, everyone: funny little character. Thought it was 1943 and Britain still had an empire – was pretty inept, endlessly tinkering with all the bits and bobs of bringing up children to be clever and kind, at least he wasn’t a homophobe.

Whereas Nicky Morgan, now elevated to the cabinet in order for the Conservatives to look cleverer and kinder than they actually are, voted against equal marriage. Meaning she is against equality. And, in an ironic twist that just goes to show how things work, she has also been put in charge of equality.

Yes, you read that right: someone who doesn’t believe in equality is now in charge of it. And someone as ignorant as a sheet of Formica is now in charge of education. Now that’s what we call a reshuffle.

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What do a cheap tits model and the Bishop of Bath and Wells have in common? Apart from the fact they’re both clearly morons, that is.

Put it away, love.

This classy lady here is one Danielle McMahon. You won’t have heard of her. And why the hell should you have when all she does is get her knockers out in Nuts magazine?

The reason she has come to our attention is that, having entered the Big Brother house like any tits model worth her salt, she has revealed that she is a strict Catholic, one that likes getting her tits out for the boys. And as a strict Catholic with very strict Catholic morals she is very definitely against gay marriage. Won’t have it in the house, she won’t.

‘In terms of opinions, I’m very straight and narrow,’ she told the Daily Star, not a newspaper that anyone could accuse of being straight and narrow, but then when you’re a tits model, where are you going to go to be interviewed if not the Daily Star?

‘I’ve got very black and white opinions on women today…’ she went on. We’re sure most women today have got a very black and white opinion on a tits model as well. ‘…And same-sex marriage.’ Oh, here we go.

‘I’m Catholic. It’s a very big part of my day-to-day life,’ she went on. What, even those days when you’re getting your tits out for Nuts magazine? Is Jesus right there in the room with you on those days?

‘I’ve got nothing against homosexuals…’ Phew, right? ‘I just personally don’t believe in same-sex marriage. It’s just not right in our faith…’ Whether the Catholic faith finds getting your tits out in the papers OK or not, we can’t be sure. It obviously found it OK to protect paedophiles so its moral compass is… shall we just say hard to predict?

So, where does Peter Hancock (who even has the word ‘cock’ in his name), the new Bishop of Bath and Wells come into it? It’s just that he’s on exactly the same page, morally, as Titso up there.

The ink was barely dry on his new Bishop papers when he was off on an anti-gay marriage tip. ‘I think marriage is, if I might quote the Prayer Book…’ You may, you may. ‘…A gift of God in creation and a means of his grace, and a holy mystery by which man and woman become one flesh.’ Which is fine unless you don’t believe in God, in which case marriage is a way two people can be legally joined together to enjoy tax breaks and dodge inheritance taxes.

But let’s not allow the law of the land to stand in the way of grace and holy mystery, eh?

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We may as well look at David Gandy’s penis. It’s not like there’s anything else going on.

We may as well look at David Gandy's penis. It's not like there's anything else going on.

The full tit ‘n’ minge is after the break. This a family show, people!


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Here’s that bloke who was schtuppin’ some trout while also being married to Katie Price who is also *checks notes* a trout. Boy has form.

Here's that bloke who was schtuppin' some trout while also being married to Katie Price who is *checks notes* also a trout. Boy has form.

Seems Kieran Kaine Hayler – overestimating our interest in his name, there – has similar taste in light fittings, carpets, shelves, drawers and bed linen as he does in women.

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‘Homosexuality is distasteful if not viscerally repugnant,’ says the man who UKIP is standing for election as a real MP


Unsurprisingly, no one is asking Roger Helmer here to have gay sex.

Don’t know what it is about him. The Nazi spectacles? The grizzled yet wispy (hard one to pull off, that) moustache? Or maybe it’s the stench of everything that comes out of his mouth? Whatever it is, no one is pressing him for gay sex. And yet he can’t stop thinking about it. And talking about it. Hell, even The Sun called him a bigot and goodness knows they have form.

And yet this is the character that UKIP has decided should stand for election to Her Majesty’s House of Commons following the resignation of some dodgy Tory. That’s what nice people they are, just in case you were being won over by Nigel Farage’s boozily charming ways, Boris-style, like the people on Gogglebox (top tip when voting for politicians: find out what they think and don’t vote just because they seem like fun).

‘The homosexual lobby wants to be accepted as a “valid alternative lifestyle”,’ he said in a pamphlet ironically called Straight Talking on Europe (back when he was a Conservative). Funny, we never think of ourselves as ‘alternative’. We think of ourselves as ourselves. ‘I will argue homosexual behaviour is abnormal and undesirable.’

Oh, sorry to hear that.

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