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Strictly Come Dancing, the contestants. In ‘who we’d do first’ list form. And who we want to see kicked up the cunt, sharp-style…

Take it all off

First, obvs, Greg ‘ginger long jumper’ Rutherford. We have spoken. And we so would. He wouldn’t even need to wear Lycra, though that would be a nice touch.

2. Ore Oduba, him off of sports on the BBC. He seems big and bossy, which is a quality we admire in a gentlemans.

3. Will Young. A bit bottom-y but he’ll do.

4. DJ Danny Mac, who we have frankly never heard spoken of but he seems nice as long as he doesn’t play his records too loud.

And that’s pretty much it unless you count Ed Balls.

And those we’d like to see kicked in the head at their earliest possible convenience: Louise Nurdling off-of Eternal (don’t get us started on that one!) and Lesley Joseph off-of Birds of a Fevva, who is bound to be teamed with someone young and hot so she can wheel out all those tired Dorian ‘dirty old lady’ jokes *yawns. With hand over mouth. We’re not animals!*

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What? No obvious gays in Great British Bake Off? Again?

Motley crew

Homophobia obviously runs at the highest levels at Her Majesty’s BBC as for the second year running there are no obvious gays in the Great British Bake Off line up. Surely a matter for the police! If not the European Court of Dolly Rights.

They are, from left to right, and we’re not counting the women for obvious reasons, some bloke who’s a househusband but takes pictures for the Dalai (pronounced ‘Dolly’) Lama – an no, not those sort of pictures even; some bloke who’s a nurse, who might be gay, we suppose; some bloke who’s a prison guard, so he may have had gay experiences; some bloke who’s a firefighter, who might be gay or at least a strippagram; some bloke who made his sister’s wedding cake (so our money’s kind of on him); some bloke in a hat who looks the part with his tattoos and nose ring but who apparently has a wife and two children, for some reason no one can quite explain. And that’s your lot.

They better be funny or have big bulges or be transitioning, that’s all we can say.

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Grand Budapest Hotel sweeps BAFTA noms with 11? For serious? Five reasons why that is a travesty

Really?

1. It’s by Wes Anderson, one of the worst, most irritating and most pretentious directors operating today. Royal Tenenbaums? No, thanks. The Life Aquatic? We’d rather not, if you don’t mind.*

2. It’s one of those films where they get a million people to be in it. Even Tilda Swinton! Which is fun in a ‘Oh, isn’t that Su Pollard as the chambermaid?’ kind of way. But, no.

3. Far too much running around.

4. That idea of irony where everything is just really overblown and cartoony. Subtlety people, subtlety.

5. It’s all story and none of it matters.

*We have not seen The Grand Budapest Hotel, by the way. Because it’s directed by Wes Anderson.

 

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Five reasons we think we’re over Helena Bonham Carter

Fabreze!

1. She knows and likes David Cameron. Yes, you know him as a pie-faced cunt but Helena Bonham Carter thinks David Cameron is ‘incredibly witty, incredibly bright and incredibly genuine.’ Honey, you’re either genuine or you’re not but pedantry apart, she even likes Samantha Cameron. ‘But actually both those people are immaculate. They have an amazing sense of humour and sense of proportion, and they are people to be taken seriously.’ We rest our Louis Vuitton case, m’lord. And it’s not a knock-off. OK, it is. Who would be so silly as to buy a real LV? Do we look like Lil Kim? Don’t answer that…

2. She’s married to Tim Burton, whose idea of movie making is bung everyone in lots of teenage-goth eyeliner and roll the cameras.

3. She only gets films because her husband is Tim Burton and never mind whether – as in the case of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street – she’s decades out on the age of the character and can’t sing for toffees. Even she didn’t bother going to see it.

4. She looks like she needs a bloody good wash. We don’t mind kooky clothes but they do need the occasional rinse through.

5. OK, we could only think of four.

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10 reasons Ricky Gervais is the only celebrity we have any time for on Twitter. Apart from maybe Alison Moyet.

You tell 'em, sister!

More wit and more wisdom from RG round about hereabouts.

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Some of the reasons we’re on Scruff and not Grindr…


Sheesh!

Some thoughts from the man who invented Grindr. That’s him in all his gym-toned, ‘get your teeth fixed, Freddie Mercury’, judgemental glory. And here’s what he had to say on the subject of Grindr making us all Aussiebum-wearing, protein shake-quaffing, tricep-comparing gym bores. Give the man a medal/slap…

‘Fanstastic! I love it. Absolutely. Look good. I’m very proud if Grindr has forced us to up our game. To brush our teeth. Comb our hair. Eat right. Go to the gym. Be a healthy person. Cut back on the smoking. Cut back on the bad things and look your best. We’re men. We visualize. We see before we hear, before we think, before we do anything else. That’s how we are. I haven’t changed that. That’s what our evolution has taught us to do. I certainly go to the gym more because of Grindr. I’m competing with the guy a space away from me on that grid.’

And you thought you were gay just because you liked the taste of penis in the morning!

 

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10 reasons we love the new Christina Aguilera video

1. It has Christina Aguilera in it. A toned down, slimmed down, dressed down Christina. Looking fresh, kicky and yet still really, really blonde.

2. It has lesbeans, gays, dogs and children.

3. It has a sign in Spanish which means ‘I love my gay son’

4. It has lots of people having fun ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Even while just walking down the road.

5. The song is timeless gay dance along ‘Girls Gone Wild’ lines.

6. There’s a cute little ‘make an L with your hand’ thing that you could do in a gay dance club easy as peasy.

7. It provides the timely reminder that ‘racism sucks’.

8. It contains that equals sign equality thing.

9. It reminds you why dancers are such great value for money.

10. It contains footage of Christina getting lip gloss applied while dancing. Now that’s what we call charisma.

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Tom Daley’s new calendar doesn’t feature a single Speedo shot! Deluded at the reasons for his own popularity much?


Off! Off! Off!

A suit? A jumper? A shirt? A T-shirt? General knitwear? Are you fucking kidding us with this shit? It’s not like we’re into TD for his sparkling personality, is it?

Get ’em off or on your way, lad.

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