Aren’t the circles on the carpet to die for? Really, to die for. And if you look closely, you can see fluffy pom-poms attached to the pillows. And some of the walls are squashy. And there appear to be portholes in the doors. And a bed spread that is pink and shiny. And the floor is part laminate, part carpet. Has the world gone crazy? We’re redecorating as we speak.

It is a maisonette (sold!) situated on the top two floors of a mansion block in London’s full-of-posh-twats-with-jumpers-draped-over-their-shoulders Chelsea - or maybe it’s Kensington, which is like Chelsea only with more French people - and it is on the market (the what?) for £3.95million. It was on for £4.5million, but they took off £550,000 owing to compensation payments awarded to potential buyers who suffered post-traumatic stress after witnessing the bathroom.

Elsewhere in the house there are rooms, a staircase, a fully-functioning kitchen (we’ll just have to take their word for that), windows, light, air, cutlery you can only see using a magnifying glass, a vanilla candle from Muji, terracotta pots and white chiffon.

D’ya wanna see a staircase? It goes up and down…!

Oh ps. Kylie. Sometimes we’re just too esoteric for our own good. Continues…