Glittering London

1. No Heather Small singing Search For The Hero Inside, What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud, Search For what You’ve Done Inside, What Hero Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud etc.

2. Keep the kids to a minimum. We know they’re taking all the credit for getting the Olympics in the first place, but kids are annoying.

3. Lots of high definition, in-close coverage of the men’s diving – with action replays.

4. No Wombles. We all remember the classy affair that was the Queen Mother’s 900th birthday.

5. Winners of the men’s rowing should be kept on the podium for ages with full coverage of up to and including an hour and a half of them just standing there pretty much naked while Princess Anne gets her hat on to come along the line.

6. Lots of Paralympics. We’re the best in the world at that shit. Upgrade it.

7. Lots of slow motion shots of men running towards the camera in Lycra shorts.

8. Maximise coverage of stuff that doesn’t happen in Hackney and Tower Hamlets. The world has already been hoodwinked into thinking that the Olympics are in London when in fact they’re on an industrial estate in the Lea Valley. Can you imagine a marathon that went through the Thamesmead estate?

9. Lots of the Queen and no Tony Blair.

10. We don’t want to see Boris take any credit whatsoever for the event.

11. Some nice fireworks.

12. A webcam inside that gay athletes house. Yes, there’s a house for gay athletes! Homosexual ones!

…. at Circus this Saturday!

How’s that for sell-through? Britney Spears got half a million quid for product placement in her latest piece of shit; we’re still waiting for something to finish off this sentence.

Nobutreally, Circus is shit hot because it’s shit hot, and this Saturday’s Circus has the sub-header ‘Fake’, for ’tis a celebration of all things fake. And we think they mean in the Big Fat Gypsy Weddings sort of way, which is very topical.

And we didn’t realise until reading the press release that Paramount – where Circus takes place, on the very crest of Centrepoint – is the world’s highest nightclub. And please no-one get pedantic on our asses and come back with, ‘Oh, but what about that little place on top of Mont Blanc!’ because that just won’t do.

And there endeths our suggestion for what to do on Saturday night. No straddlers, mind. It’s gets bumper-to-bumper quick smartish. But like Kate Moss said, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

*ends*

ps. Tickets here, or from Unconditional+, 16 Monmouth Street, London’s glittering Covent Garden. Or £16 on the door.

Yeah, the title may sound like the usual fare – ripping celebrities new arseholes, pointing out how ridiculous people are, ripping celebrities second new arseholes – but we are afraid to have to report that Sandra Bernhard’s new album and London show features music.

And not funny music like on Excuses For Bad Behaviour where songs covered ground like sex lines, people shooting everyone on the train and reworkings of old Sylvester records. No lads and gentlemen, this is African music. In other words, World Music. Which we, frankly, won’t have in the house (except for maybe a little light flamenco and Tania Maria’s 80s stuff, but that’s it! Strictly! It!)

Anyways, maybe we should give her the benefit as she’s never let us down before. If you are a benefits kind of person (not ‘on benefits’ or what the hell are you doing taking in West End shows?), you will find Sandra B at The Leicester Square Theatre, which is *checks* just off London’s glittering Leicester Square from 9th to 13th February.

We think it will be fun and obviously she’ll be ripping new arseholes between numbers.

Top tip to retailers: don’t piss off the man who has control of your lights. That’s what happened over at ‘top people’s store’ Harrods, where a top person or, come to that, an English person not on his holidays up big London would ever step shoe.

The man in charge of the lights (we give you that, Harrods: the lights is good) was sacked for drinking whiskey or something – if a person can’t have a nip at work on a cold day, we don’t know what things are coming to – and decided to barricade himself in the control room and let his former employers know what he really felt.

Which happened to chime with what most people in the street felt.

Just one thing, now that Harrods no longer belongs to the Al Fayed character, is that shrine to his darling son Dodo and Diana still in the basement? Just asking…

It is the most exciting Christmas lights switching on-ings we’ve ever seen!

Now let’s watch this. Unless you’re bumming or eating After Eights, it’ll be the most exciting next six minutes of your life. (more…)