Welcome to Heather Barwick, because her husband certainly doesn’t want her.
But rather than take responsibly for her own flailing marriage, she’s decided that she can’t make a relationship with a man work because she was raised by two women. Lesbian women at that!
‘Dear gay community, your kids are hurting,’ began Heather, 31 and still retarded, in an open letter published in The Federalist, an online magazine for ‘lovers of freedom’, so long as that freedom adheres to their deeply held bigoted beliefs.
‘I’m writing to you because I’m letting myself out of the closet: I don’t support gay marriage.’
We’re listenin’, cunty.
‘But it might not be for the reasons that you think.’
We think it probably is.
‘It’s not because you’re gay. I love you, so much. It’s because of the nature of the same-sex relationship itself.’
So far, so patronising.
‘A lot of us, a lot of your kids, are hurting. My father’s absence created a huge hole in me, and I ached every day for a dad. I loved my mom’s partner, but another mom could never have replaced the father I lost.
‘I’m not gay, but the relationship that was modeled before me was a woman loving a woman. So I’ve struggled as an adult figuring out how to be in a relationship with my husband.’
And guess who’s been filling that male void of late? You guessed it, the Lord Baby Jesus his very made up self.
And yes, our eyes have rolled so far back we’ve witnessed the eclipse again, but let’s just go through the motions, shall we? Oh, a bit like Heather’s marriage!
All research that isn’t funded by far right fundamentalists proves that the sexual orientation of one’s parents has fuck all to do with their ability to raise a kid. Religion, however, does, but that’s a whole other kettle of freak.
And, we hate to break it to you, Heather, but our parents are fully paid-up heteros, yet we can’t even begin to start putting penis in vagina. This, in spite of having their heterosexuality shoved in our faces all our dolly lives!
And where’s your vitriol for single mothers? Too straight for you?
In conclusion, what’s your excuse going to be when your own kids end up fucked up? That glittering gay agenda?
We rest our Louis Vuitton* case, m’lud.
*Course it’s not Louis Vuitton. That would be silly!