Gorgeous things

We love lovely things, don’t you?

This woman can’t make her marriage work and it’s all the gays’ fault.

This woman can't make her marriage work and it's all the gays' fault.

Welcome to Heather Barwick, because her husband certainly doesn’t want her.

But rather than take responsibly for her own flailing marriage, she’s decided that she can’t make a relationship with a man work because she was raised by two women. Lesbian women at that!

‘Dear gay community, your kids are hurting,’ began Heather, 31 and still retarded, in an open letter published in The Federalist, an online magazine for ‘lovers of freedom’, so long as that freedom adheres to their deeply held bigoted beliefs.

‘I’m writing to you because I’m letting myself out of the closet: I don’t support gay marriage.’

We’re listenin’, cunty.

‘But it might not be for the reasons that you think.’

We think it probably is.

‘It’s not because you’re gay. I love you, so much. It’s because of the nature of the same-sex relationship itself.’

So far, so patronising.

‘A lot of us, a lot of your kids, are hurting. My father’s absence created a huge hole in me, and I ached every day for a dad. I loved my mom’s partner, but another mom could never have replaced the father I lost.

‘I’m not gay, but the relationship that was modeled before me was a woman loving a woman. So I’ve struggled as an adult figuring out how to be in a relationship with my husband.’

And guess who’s been filling that male void of late? You guessed it, the Lord Baby Jesus his very made up self.

And yes, our eyes have rolled so far back we’ve witnessed the eclipse again, but let’s just go through the motions, shall we? Oh, a bit like Heather’s marriage!

All research that isn’t funded by far right fundamentalists proves that the sexual orientation of one’s parents has fuck all to do with their ability to raise a kid. Religion, however, does, but that’s a whole other kettle of freak.

And, we hate to break it to you, Heather, but our parents are fully paid-up heteros, yet we can’t even begin to start putting penis in vagina. This, in spite of having their heterosexuality shoved in our faces all our dolly lives!

And where’s your vitriol for single mothers? Too straight for you?

In conclusion, what’s your excuse going to be when your own kids end up fucked up? That glittering gay agenda?

We rest our Louis Vuitton* case, m’lud.

*Course it’s not Louis Vuitton. That would be silly!

 

 

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Nine, maybe ten, things we have learnt from this video depicting global male attractiveness.

BuzzFeed have far too much time on their hands.

‘One in five British adults has a tattoo.’ So unique!

‘Italy is considered the pinnacle of men’s fashion.’ If you consider jeans with chains, shiny puffa jackets and religious-themed beach jewellery the pinnacle.

The South African one’s the hottest.

South Koreans like their pop stars quite dolly.

‘Italian men are not afraid of colour.’ Perhaps they should be.

Beards ‘n’ stuff.

‘Regardless of nationality or sexuality, men everywhere are beginning to feel the effects of today’s diverse definitions of male beauty.’ No shit, Nancy Drew.

The music on this video is giving us MDMA-related anxiety. Not that we know what that is.

And c) and d).

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We’ve said it before and we’ll say it thrice times, Charlie Condou has quite the penis.

We've said it before and we'll say it thrice times, Charlie Condou has quite the penis.

Here he is with his fellow turns from Next Fall, a play at London’s glittering Southwark *checks notes* Playhouse, having distributed a mixed set of boxer briefs the likes of which rarely see the light of gay.

It’s all in aid of #Pants2HIV, which isn’t even a private reg, and it’s to raise cash-dollar for the GMFA, a charity which tries to stop people bumming without protection ‘n’ stuff.

And we have it on good authority that the next celebrity fundraising craze, #CelebrityBake, has famouses the world over sticking their heads in ovens, and if they don’t do it those poor children won’t get anything!

 

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Philip Treacy’s taken the Brit award by the scalp, shaken her up and down a bit, cut off the slack, and stuck a bonnet on it.

Philip Treacy's taken the Brit award by the scalp, shaken her up and down a bit, cut off the slack, and stuck on a bonnet.

Very Cluedo, non?

ps. Did we tell you our Philip Treacy story? Did we? Did we?

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This isn’t Gordon Ramsay, apparently.


This isn't Gordon Ramsay, apparently.

It is, however, a sculpture by Richard Dupont appearing in the exhibition Out of Hand: Materializing the Postdigital at MAD in London’s Glittering New York.

‘The cross-disciplinary nature of the work and the exploration of seemingly disparate themes and concepts allows for boundless creativity,’ says curator Ronald T. Labaco. ‘The exhibition puts these pioneering works in dialogue, highlighting at once their vast diversity and the trends and ideas that connect them.’

It all sounds like bollocks so it must be worth something.

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Look at George Michael and Kate Moss on the cover of French Vogue.


French Vogue George and Kate

This is George Michael and Kate Moss – gaybourly neighbours in London’s glittering Highgate – on the cover of French Vogue. They have been through the industry dishwasher known as Photoshop, and have come out looking like former selves of themselves. George has lost four stone from his face alone, gained dolly yet inquisitive arches in his eyebrows, and the Mars Curiosity Rover can pick up his teeth without the aid of a booster battery. To his left, Kate Moss looks like Kate Moss circa 1998.

And c) and d).

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It’s a can of Coke, by Jean Paul Gaultier.


Gaultier Coke

He’s already done the bottle (if that recommendation thing at the bottom of this story is doing its job properly, you’ll be able to see Jean Paul Gaulier’s said Coke bottle. If not, tough shit we guess), and now JPG – just about the nicest dolly in the whole of fashion; though he didn’t start sending us gifts after we interviewed him like Karl Lagerfeld did. You listenin’, JPG? – has gone and done the 330ml Diet Coke can. Some people call the full-fat Coke, ‘full-fat Coke’. People like that are out of control.

Jean Paul Gaultier’s Diet Cokes are available from now until September, in shops that sell them. Price? How the hell are we supposed to know.

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$3,000 Tom Ford sunglasses, anyone? Anyone? Anyone?


Tom Ford $3000 sunglasses

We would buy a pair of these – two, even – but the last time we had a very expensive pair of sunglasses, a fookin’ monkey lept onto our jeep as we were swishing through the South African… what are we calling this, jungle? You know, where the fookin’ monkeys live… and snatched them from our face. Fookin’ monkeys.

These Tom Ford sunglasses, which will in fact set you back $2,950 a pop – a poppety pop! – contain gold-plated metal and water buffalo horn. Like that ever worked as a threat.

 

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