Reviewy Stuff

A lesson in paparazzi management from the House of Kardashian

So demure!

Rule 1: Place what you want them to photograph near what they’re photographing anyway. Just as when you need to teach your cheating husband a lesson by going out without your wedding ring, you place your left hand at face-level at all times, whether you’re removing a strand of weave demurely from your mouth or maybe daintily chasing a crumb across the sticky swamp of lip-gloss into your mouth.

In this case, one of the Kardashians whom we chose not to learn the name of has placed a floral teddy bear next to her baps. Kate McCann could have learned a thing or two with that pink bunny.

Oh and can we just say ‘mouth’ and ‘eyebrows’?

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A few words with Victoria Wood – never Woods – about gays, sipping from the furry cup and getting poked. Or not getting poked.

Say it ain't so!

It was around the time of Acorn Antiques: The Musical and everyone said Victoria Wood was a right grump to interview. We found her to be anything but…

You’re so popular with the gays but you’ve never done a gay character have you?
No, I don’t think I have. It’s never occurred to me. In Acorn Antiques, Mr Clifford’s sexuality is a little bit in question. I think it’s hard to do without going into John Inman territory, really. You either wouldn’t know they were gay or you lapse into clichés. I wouldn’t shy away from it.

You never had anything but rave reviews…
This didn’t get rave reviews. I got hammered. It had very bad reviews. But I didn’t read them and I’m not going to read them. I think it was my turn for a kicking. But you have to go with it, ‘cause it’s a very silly night. It’s not Hamlet. It’s a good fun night and if you can’t go with it, well, that’s fine. They can say what they like. People are queuing up for tickets.

What celebs came to the glamorous opening of that musical?
Graham Norton and Stephen Fry, The League of Gentlemen, Ian McKellen…

You’ve only mentioned gay men so far.
OK, Judi Dench, Dora Bryan, Cilla Black, I don’t know if she counts as a gay man. Joan Armatrading. It was a star-studded first night. (more…)

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Rolling your eyes at Madonna’s Rebel Heart tour? Well, The Guardian gave it a five-star review!

That's our girl!

Let’s just pick some random words and phrases out of the review of her Madison Square Garden concert then let you read the whole thing yourself. Here goes…

‘Overwhelming sensory bombardment’. ‘Enduring rawness and truth’. ‘Genuine physical peril.’ ‘Genuinely unnerving’. ‘Legs akimbo’ (which we thought was the name of a Bond girl but apparently not…). ‘Allure and aggression’. ‘Pure pleasure.’

Now you do the rest here.

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Who wants to see a new picture of some Warwick Rowers in their nude? Draped on each other?

So tasteful!

It’s a sneak preview of their 2016 calendar produced to make cash moneys to fight homophobia. Getting men to take their clothes off in aid of good causes is one of our favourite things. We might raise some awareness this very weekend.

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Middle-class women in quirky spectacles are up in arms at the idea that they can’t do whatever the fuck they like…

Put it away, love!

It comes to something when you can’t go down Claridges for a high-tea, maybe even a champagne one, and change your baby right there on that table. It’s natural. It’s part of childcare. What is your fucking problem?

That’s what Guardian columnist Deborah Orr – and every last yummy mummy in the land – reckons in the light of a lady being asked to tone down her babycare at Claridges last week (OK, she was breastfeeding, not changing, but that does address the thrust of Ms. Orr’s argument). She was on TV and everything, this lady. She felt like crying. She probably did cry.

In a piece in yesterday’s Observer, which apparently some people still buy, Deborah got herself into quite a froth on the subject, introducing the piece – which let us bear in mind is about a woman breastfeeding in Claridges – with ‘If men and women can’t unite to insist that babies should come first, there’s no hope for humankind.’ Never mind Ebola and AIDS and over-population and pollution and child exploitation, when a woman cannot take herself down Claridges and act precisely as she wishes with absolutely no consideration for anyone else, then it probably is curtains for our species. And maybe that’s a good thing, in light of this story.

‘Every single person who thinks they should not be exposed to the sight of breastfeeding needs to ask themselves how they got so messed up in the head,’ concludes the woman whose medication obviously needs reviewing. Honey, we’re talking about popping one of those chic little breastfeeding shawls on – maybe even a cashmere one: well, it is Claridges – to protect yourself from the prying, maybe perving, eyes of your fellow diners. Bearing in mind the truckload of baby-related shit you tramp everywhere, surely a light – maybe muslin! – breastfeeding shawl, designed specifically for *checks notes* breastfeeding could be added. Just an idea.

‘If society as a whole cannot manage to be tender, loving and accepting to babies and those who are doing exactly the right thing by their babies…’ – who just LOVE LOVE LOVE Claridges, by the way; there’s no other place they’d rather be – ‘then we may as well stop breeding. In fact, we probably ought to.’

Well, we can think of quite a few people for whom that is an excellent idea. Well done, Debs. You might have something there.



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Genuinely very sad to hear that Lynsey – Auntie Lyn – De Paul has died

Beautiful (even close-up, even in her 60s), funny (hilarious actually), talented (the songs are deceptively well written – all her own work: this one sounds eerily like Goldfrapp and she was the first woman to win an Ivor Novello Award) and as fighty as a cat in a corner, Lynsey De Paul, who once represented the UK at Eurovish, has died.

There are not many stars who get in touch when you give them a good review to tell you some saucy stories about the record and we could regale you with multiple examples of her loveliness.

The world is instantly a much less glamorous place without her. And here’s another one to say goodbye.

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Our favourite Honey Monster has her own clothing line!

So pwetty!

This is Real HouseTrouts of Atlanta NeNe Leakes (which, yes, does sound like a bladder infection) on the beautiful occasion of her wedding, in itself a very touching affair: when it came to the part of the ceremony when she was asked whether she took the poor old man who she had suckered ‘for richer or poorer’, she ‘repeated’, ‘For richer or for more richer. I don’t do no poorer…’ Gets you right here, doesn’t it? *indicates anatomy around lower stomach region*

Well, during a Twitter spat with Wendy Williams (no idea) about the fact that she’s been writing on her Hermes Birkin bag with felt-tip pens… well, she does have five (you know she don’t do no poorer), she announced that she has a clothing line coming soon on Home Shopping Network, which is where we get pretty much everything we’re standing up in right now (even though we’re sitting down).

‘I really love fashion,’ said NeNe, Neen to her friends, despite all the evidence to the contrary. ‘I’m very much a fashion girl…’ Fashion, however, chooses to differ.

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Sneak preview of the next Warwick Rowers nudie calendar. This time with penis!

Thank goodness for grass...

Where’s the penis, you ask? Over the jump, where penis belongs. Sheesh!


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