Having wowed in Great Expectations and some Burberry campaigns, Douglas Booth has reached his ‘show me the money’ moment, starring in a film with the execrable Miley Cyrus.

It’s called LOL *rolls eyes so far back they come round at the bottom again*, it also stars the great talent that is Demi Moore and it looks like bigger pants than even Eric Pickles MP wears. We’d show you the trailer but we don’t want to give it the oxygen of publicity. Suffice to say it’s about a wild child who runs off with a guy in a *stifles yawn* band.

We interviewed Ms. Cyrus once and she insisted on getting up between questions to go and bowl, speak to her friends and eat fries. Manners cost nothing, you know. Douglas Booth was and is charm itself.

A very long time ago. Enjoy responsibly.

John Sentamu, gap-toothed cunt and apparently someone quite high up in what we’ll refer to here as ‘the church’, a man who is obviously completely unafraid of colour, has waded once more into the gay marriage thing. Because these people cannot let it lie.

‘Up to now, the only reason I have been given for a desire to redefine marriage to embrace same-sex relationships is that it meets an emotional need of some same-sex couples,’ he said from atop a very high horse indeed. Indecently high it was. Everyone noticed.

OK, dolly, listen carefully: the reason to redefine marriage is that there is no excuse for inequality or discrimination in a modern society. We know that your rules and your laws are based pretty much on such meaningful, traditional and closely held beliefs as ‘turn round and touch the ground’, ‘bob a curtsey when you walk past a cross-shaped thing’ and ‘kiss other people’s jewellery’ but this is modern-day UK and the wearing of funny hats and the invoking of time dishonoured ways just won’t do.

‘I submit,’ he went on (oh, are you still here?), ‘that to use the law to redefine marriage when there is no legal inequity involved is a misuse of the statute.’

And we hereby submit that you should fuck right off and go and help an old lady with her shopping like a good Christian and not dabble in things that are patently too difficult for you to understand. Run along now.

He looks like butter wouldn’t melt if you used it as a lubricant while fucking him instead of a water-based lube, which we don’t recommend because butter damages condoms in a way that water-based lubes simply, you know, don’t. (Do you love the way we just slip that safer sex information in there like that? We must surely be eligible for some sort of grant…)

Anyway, anyway, this man is one Jack Conkling. No, don’t laugh. Not with the nose and everything. And Jack just happens to know – maybe a little bird told him, maybe it was an angel – that God thinks homosexuality is as bad as murder, lying, stealing or cheating. Which is plain silly. And this from an American school teacher teaching people’s children.

For a start, you can hardly bracket murder and lying together. Stealing is bad but everyone cheats. As for homosexuality, we wouldn’t be without it. Makes the day go by in a flash, it does.

Jack is a teacher at Prairie Middle School in Kansas, which is probably punishment enough, and was driven by all this talk of gay human rights to get onto his Facebook page and remind everyone that the Bible says homosexuality is a sin (which it doesn’t, by the way. There’s a lot of crazy in there but it doesn’t say it’s a sin. Get your facts right, Christian boy).

‘I am willing to admit my depravity is just as great as anyone else’s…’ Go on. You have our attention. ‘And without Christ I’d be destined for hell…’ Oh, is that all?

Anyway, now you know, you can become better people and languish in the favours of the Lord for all eternity. Or something.

It’s a Brazilian thing. A bit like a Speedo but bigger at the sides and looser.

Looser?!? we hear you over-exclaim like a girl. But what about showing off your business end? It turns out that if you wear your swimwear a little looser, then your penage has room to impress and doesn’t get all squashed down out of shape. So there.

These are by Edixon ValdezSwim and are available for ready money.

Thomas Cruise, what a lark.

This is what he had to say about his wife, during an interview with Playboy magazine. Which is ironic in itself. Or something:

‘She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity.

‘When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it – she does it.

‘One week I said to her, “You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?” She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, “I wrote this script.” She wanted to try it, and she did

‘She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother.

‘I don’t know what to say – I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special.’

We’ll be the judge of that.

And this is what Joan Rivers has to say about Tom Cruise, in her new book, I Hate Everyone… Starting With Me:

‘First of all, he’s always got this shit-eating grin on his face, like he just got a note from his managers telling him that Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman are extending their confidentiality agreements.

‘Second, in TV interviews, Tom laughs inappropriately and much too vociferously at non-humorous declarative statements, which is ironic because in real life he can’t take a fucking joke at all.

‘All you have to do is make one simple, little, harmless, innocuous aside like, “The Scientology spaceship was late today; it had to stop in Fire Island to pick up Tom Cruise” and he has a pack of lawyers at your door faster than Katie Holmes can say “No, really. He loves me in that way. I swear.”‘

And a little tit-bit on Nicole Kidman, too. Joany’s on a roll.

‘My face is made of paraffin and chewing gum and that cunt wins an Oscar?’

*ends*

Too much talk and not enough stripping if you ask us.

Andrew Christian releases a video that features bullying, nudity, locker-rooms, wedgies (not the footwear, the pulling-of-pants-up-arse-cracks), men in clothes that belong in the mid-90s and a lot of product placement for a nightclub that we won’t give the oxygen of publicity to. You can see said video here.

‘The BBC is unlike any other media organisation in the free world,’ says Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, politician of choice for those not interested in politics (honestly, you might as well vote in Basil Brush if it’s just for laughs).

And he’s right! As it’s not owned by rich right-wing businessmen in order to promote their products, elect sympathetic politicians and generally keep ordinary people stupid, it is free to be impartial, to put both sides of stories, to commission shows that may not be hugely commercial but which are important and ground-breaking. It’s why it might just be the most respected broadcaster in the whole wild world.

But that’s not quite what Mr. Johnson means. ‘It levies billions from British households whether they want to watch it or not,’ he says. Oh dear. What we really need, apparently, is a director-general who is a ‘pro-business’ Tory. So he or she can sell it off, presumably. And not just to the highest bidder but to a bidder who will give ex-Tory MPs highly paid jobs on the board for the rest of their lives. Those are the bidders they will be looking for.

‘I speak,’ he went on in his column in The Telegraph for which he gets somewhere in the region of one million pounds (the BBC doesn’t pay those sort of rates!), ‘I speak as someone who has just fought a campaign in which I sometimes felt that my chief opponent was the local BBC news…’

How dare the BBC not give the philandering ponce the easy ride he got in all the right-wing newspapers, which simultaneously carried out comprehensive character assassinations of his opponents? Hmmm?

Ex-News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks, who can’t even spell her own name correctly, is to be prosecuted for perverting the course of justice, it has been announced. Something to do with getting rid of evidence in the whole phone hacking thing that was going on over at NotW, where no ordinary citizen was so insignificant they couldn’t have their lives turned over and ruined by Rebecca (now, doesn’t that spelling look better?) and her team of ‘newshounds’ (we’ve seen some of them, we know what we’re talking about here).

‘We deplore this weak and unjust decision,’ said she and her husband – also to be prosecuted – using language they cut and pasted from a book by Anthony Trollope.

Now, who’s for bucks fizz or do we just want champagne straight up?

Yes, people of the world, if you want to go gay, there’s no better place you can do it than the UK, apparently. The word ‘gay’ even rhymes with ‘UK’, which can’t be a coincidence, surely!

According to a study by the International Lesbian and Gay Association, or ILGA (which we hold in even higher esteem than the RAC and MIB), due to the UK’s civil partnership situation and anti-discrimination laws, it tops a list of 40 countries for loveliness to the gays.

At the bottom? Unsurprisingly Russia, Moldova, Ukraine, Armenia, Turkey, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Macedonia. We would like you to bear this in mind when voting in the upcoming Eurovision Song Contest.

*leaves waving flag and flashing Union Jack lingerie*

Daniel Garofali for C-IN2 underwear.

And that concludes today’s breaking underwear news. *shuffles papers, picks up telephone receiver and pretends to talk to someone*

Here he is, pictured on some beach or other. And yes, we do think this is achievable within the next three weeks before the trip to Key West Gay Pride. *crunches carrot*