‘Oooh girl, is it 4 o’clock on the snout already and we’ve still not had a sing song inspired by the precocious example of child obesity off-of Ellen yet?’

Go Urethra, go!

Mmm-hmmn. And today’s song inspired by the creepy young-ling singing Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’ on the Ellen Degeneres Show is Aretha Franklin’s ‘Respect’. Quoi? 

And the physical similarities are, similarity-watchers, spookily spooky. The hair, the histrionics, the Body Mass Index… Compare and contrast after le break. [Read more...]

Note to dolly self: Don’t lend Amy Winehouse your silk and satin dresses worth £25,000.

Not necessarily the frock(s) in question...

The reason for this is that first of all she’ll barf up on ‘em and then, thirdly, green mould will grow on them.


The story goes thusly:

Harvey Nichols lends Amy Winehouse 25,000 English golden coins-worth of clobber ahead of fashion week, Amy goes on the lash in said clobber (er, natch!), eventually returns said said clobber to Harvey Nichols’ PR dollies, said said said clobber is covered in vom but not only vom, oh-oh-oh no. Green, furry mould aussi.

It’s a look.

Here’s the quote, from ‘Insider’. Oooh, it’s like Murder She Wrote… [Read more...]

Is this *checks notes* ‘child’ cute, or just creepy as fuck?

Sssssh, child.

Everyone’s going potty-loo-la over this child person thing.

She’s eight, she went on the Ellen show, she sang ‘Respect’, she’s been labelled precocious, she’s quite the chunkster already so well on the way to Aretha-ville, Fiona Phillips predictably was coo-ing over her on GMTV this morning (she was also coo-ing to the point of flagina-drip over Boyzone this morning so, you know, discerning), and we were bordering on finding her (she’s called Tione, if you’re taking notes) cute in spite of the creepy arm movements and old-woman-with-incontinence-gait, but then she goes and ruins it all by exclaiming to Ellen – post-performance – the following:

‘I. Am. Amazing.’

And yes, she did do it with full-stops between the words. That level of confidence is disturbing in children. And we think her momma needs to stop feeding her Quavers.

Judge for yourself after jumpy.

ps. Ellen? J’adore and all that, but don’t go making bold and frankly dangerous statements saying that all children are amazing. A) They’re not B) They’re not C) and D) Really they’re not E) A bit of modesty goes an awful long way.

pps. *office child does a shit; we give it a medal, call off work for the day, let off poppers (steady!), fork out for a scholarship to an Ivy League institution, that shouty man off-of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition goes round to family off-of child prodigy, bulldozes their caravan and builds a 38-roomed modernist masterpiece in its place, several people cry, resentment builds amongst friends and neighbours, child prodigy eats too much stodge, can’t go toiley, loses his mojo, becomes depressed, turns into Half Ton Mum, spends rest of days watching re-runs of Flying Doctors* [Read more...]

The story of the circumcision that went very, very, VERY wrong….

 Umm, my knife just slipped...

Ladies and gentleladies, to kick off this sunny Thursday morning we bring you a tale of anguish, pain and loss…

Picture this people. You go into hospital and expect a simple in-and-out procedure of the sadly non-sexual kind. You roll into theatre nicely sedated, with one of those anesthetic dollies promising you strawberry ice cream and full-fat milk when you wake up (we may be reverting to a far-distant childhood memory by the way. Ooh Wham bars…).

And then you wake up, and instead of admiring your nicely circumcised front bottom, there is, shock horror, nothing left to admire. Yes, you heard us. ‘Full removal of penis’. We’re almost fainting into our mid-morning cappuccinos just thinking about it. [Read more...]

So we were going to mention this yesterday, but lost track of time. We’ve found track of time (eh?) so are taking this opportunity to mention it now.

Don't do it...!

‘It’, is American Psycho: The Musical. As in the nice Bret Easton Ellis fable, later turned into a moving picture starring Christian Bale, and now being given the Broadway treatment.

Bet that’s put a spring in your step.

It’s weird, ’cause only the other day we were discussing the Christian Bale mole (nose, top right, just under the brow) and how we’d so do an SJP on that thing, and low and behold next thing we know, there’s talk of American Psycho: The Musical. Now that’s spooky, and we never really believed in all that shit until now.

But we predict this musical will do great things. The soundtrack alone – Genesis, Whitney, Huey Lewis and the News – is a minor draw in itself.

It’s also the perfect op’ to show Christian Bale in various states of undress. Kinda NSFW. There’s front bottom. What sort of W doesn’t allow front bottom these days…? [Read more...]

Fun-ness #8967590173240987: Which famous you probably wouldn’t want to find yourself under – under any circumstance, sexual or otherwise – lives in a house like this dot-dot-dot?

Next time, switch auto-focus on...

Let’s look at the evidence:

- It cost £400,000 (at which point anyone who doesn’t live on that funny little rock between Scotland and Iceland [or is it Norway?] or in Wales gasps, ‘That won’t even buy me a two-bedder where I live!’, slips into a deep depression, considers moving to Adelaide where you can get five beds and a pool for the price of a studio flat in Islington, then thinks better of it.)

- It’s in Wales.

- Bearing in mind who bought it, it actually looks rather, you know, nice. Modernist flourishes here and there. How modern.

- Picture’s a bit grainy.

Who could it be? Who? Who? Who-who-who-who? Who?

It’s this personage off-of fame, ladies, ladies and ladies…. [Read more...]

‘Ooh, Lord, is it gone four o’clock already and we’ve still not had a sing-song or a discussion on the latest in the Foxy Knoxy case?’

You Fox!

And today we will mostly be sing-songing along (or at least trying to learn the words to) James Fox’s new single ‘Higher’.

Who he, we hear you say. He was on Fame Academy and represented Her Majesty’s United Kingdom at Eurovision (he had a cowboy hat and was actually alright. Didn’t get nowhere though, obviously…) and he’s always been rather on the, ahem, Foxy side (what is going on with Foxy Knoxy, btw?)

Well, he’s back, he’s cuter now he’s got no hair and this is actually alright. Over the jump…  [Read more...]

Aussiebum goes all boxers on our asses.

Is that an erect penis inside your boxers, or are you just happy to see us?

Gosh, that header works on so many levels. *Pats own back*

So, Aussiebum, cliché undercrackers for the homo du jour, have gone and brought out a line of boxer shorts. Ooh, but not any old line of boxer shorts, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. No.

These boxers, ladies ‘n’ germs, are velly, velly, velly clever indeed. In that they have a, andwequote, ’new, retro-inspired, boxer posing pouch’ withinside them. ie. A funny contraption that you stick your front bottom inside of and it pushes it out in the manner of a lady’s Wonderbra thus, therefore and as a result making passers by/potential bum-chums think you’ve got a wanger of a cock. Or just that you’ve got a small one and happen to be erect.

We’re also enjoying the tagline for the advertising campaign:

‘It’s not what you see, but what you desire the most.’

You can watch the real-life advert for Aussiebum’s ‘Parallel’ range after the jump. Hello Mum, by the way. [Read more...]